that was the closest thing to real advice ive gotten ever since i can remember *thank you* now i intend to spill my heart out or at least my point of view.(- ramsus brought me down because he was down. sad? with ramsus, he knew everything and you - no matter who you were - knew nothing. thats not why i loved him. i fell in love with him before all of that came into my knollage. before he made me a miserable blob. before i fell apart. he had a way of making me feel i didnt know as much as he did when he felt that i knew more then he would ever know. before me and ramsus broke up, when the flame that we loved so much about each other looked like it would never blow away- that was the time i had given myself to him. everything i wanted i found in him. i didnt realize how much i had given up of me to him untill the flame actually did blow over. - and at that time he told me i had not given him anything or felt anything for him. now i know that it was a lie because as you can see in my entries he is all i think of as he has always been.and he knows it. the problem with my mind is he has had time through our relationship to plan his escape hes had time to grow away from me and stop loving me and go to diffrent things. i lived in a fantasy world that everything was just heavenly. i didnt have that secretive time to let go. and though now we have both 'let go' and i dont see him and i can just imagine what hes doing. my thoughts are still flooded with him. and not just him but the bond we have and the looks he gave me and the things we would do in the future. allot of me might not have believed it but i lied to myself and somewhere in my mind i was convinced. while my mind drifts into these daydream like states my heart hurts from all these memmorys. for once my heart is the one who knows the truth. now if i could only tell my mind. you are right . him or time. time i dread. because ive had so much of it i dont think it will do me any good. and something my mind and my heart both know is that i will never have him again. maybe this is for the best. but sometimes the best- just hurts 2 much..thanks for listening -sam
from sam
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11:37 pm - Tuesday,May 21, 2002
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omg *melts* thanks so much for the sweet letter you sent me. *HUGS*. talk to you later hun.
from mel
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10:15 pm - Tuesday,May 21, 2002
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no one said you didnt read my diary. im just talking about how ironic things can be. dont listen to me?-sam
from sam
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5:45 pm - Tuesday,May 21, 2002
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funny, i wrote on my spanish notebook "save me" in both languages. hah. and, you probably wouldnt die if you jumped in front of a car.
from laura
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2:44 pm - Tuesday,May 21, 2002
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i hope you get all your homework done in time. :)
from karina
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1:22 am - Tuesday,May 21, 2002
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*laughs* well then, thats when you know NO ONE reads your diary. when you write a so very long entry *2 maybe 3 pages of my crap?* and the only guestbook entry you get is from someone telling you your webcam pictures really funny. lol. yeah im always up for that. anyhow- i can agree. (because i actually read your entries :P) ive been feeling really tired all the time 2. really just all yesterday and today. everyones diarys ive been reading are always takin about how sad they are lately and how they have no idea whats happening to them. i think we all should group up as a big mob of whiners and fly to the other side of the moon where we can sleep all day and night and be happy forever doing yoga. ARE YOU WITH ME? nah..didnt think so..-sam
from sam
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7:37 pm - Monday,May 20, 2002
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i hope your hangover is gone.. i had one of those last weekend. blah, it sucks. right now i'm just craving solitude from everyone and it seems like everyone won't leave me alone. damn ppl! :)
from karina
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12:57 am - Sunday,May 19, 2002
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PETAL... i do the same thing.. think "gee, i'd like this song played at my funeral, or over and over when i die" and i wonder how people would react to the song after knowing me... hmmm.
from mel
[email] [homepage]
6:36 am - Sunday,May 19, 2002
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nobody ever grabbed my ass while i was dancing, sober or otherwise... :P
from ss
[email] [homepage]
11:50 pm - Saturday,May 18, 2002
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